In Episode 2 of the Her Health™ Podcast, host and Phytoceutics® CEO Laura Johnston explores a topic we don’t speak about nearly enough – but all experience: libido, intimacy, and confidence throughout the different stages of a woman’s life. Joining her is sexologist and relationship expert, Nicki Brivik, who brings refreshing honesty, science-backed insight, and a touch of humour to this important conversation.
Laura and Nicki unpack how libido shifts across your 20s, 30s, and 40s, why communication is essential for connection, and how confidence, emotional intimacy, and even scheduled “date nights” can dramatically improve long-term relationships.
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Sexuality Through the Ages: What to Focus On
To break the ice, Nicki answered rapid-fire questions about what women should focus on in each decade of life.
In Your 20s – Curiosity and Self-Discovery
Your twenties are your “sandbox of sexuality,” said Nicki. This is the time to get comfortable with your body, unlearn shame, and explore who you are and what brings you pleasure. Curiosity replaces fear. Instead of performing, you’re learning.
In Your 30s – Communication Becomes Essential
The thirties often bring career pressure, parenting, and less time for intimacy. According to Nicki, this is where communication becomes non-negotiable. You and your partner must consciously make intimacy a priority and learn how to talk openly about needs, expectations, and how to stay emotionally connected.
In Your 40s – Reclaiming Yourself
By your forties, children may be older, careers more stable, and for many women, this is when self-focus returns. It’s a time to rediscover what you want – whether it’s in the bedroom or in life. Women begin to confidently ask for what they need rather than settling or “going with the flow.” As Nicki put it, “It’s a fun time – you get to say more about yourself.”
The Big Myth: Libido Should Be Spontaneous
One of the most common myths about libido? That desire should strike like lightning.
Nicki said that for many – especially women in long-term relationships – libido doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. Instead, it’s like tending a campfire: it needs fuel, oxygen, attention, and nurturing.
Most women don’t experience spontaneous desire (where arousal appears suddenly). Instead, they have responsive desire – where desire emerges after intimacy begins, in response to pleasure, touch, or emotional connection. “Waiting to feel desire before initiating intimacy is like waiting to feel like brushing your teeth – it's not going to happen.”
Understanding this difference removes guilt and helps couples create the right emotional and physical conditions for intimacy.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
Nicki explained the difference between responsive versus spontaneous desire beautifully:
Spontaneous Desire
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Feels like an espresso shot – quick and immediate.
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Often portrayed in movies and romantic fantasies.
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Doesn’t require specific mood or context.
Responsive Desire
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More like brewing tea – needs time, warmth, and emotional connection.
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More common in women and long-term relationships.
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Requires emotional safety, relaxation, and pleasure to begin.
Neither is better – what matters is that partners understand each other’s desire style and communicate needs without shame or judgment.
Pleasure Without Guilt
One powerful takeaway from the episode: women should never feel guilty for wanting pleasure.
The clitoris, Nicki emphasised, is the only human organ designed purely for pleasure – with over 8,000 nerve endings. Nicki stated how pleasure is not indulgent or selfish – it’s a birthright.
Yet, many women still feel shame around asking for what they need. Nicki encourages women to reconnect with their bodies, explore what feels good, and understand that pleasure is not just allowed – it’s essential for well-being.
Emotional Needs, Confidence, and the Erotic Mind
Desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Emotional needs, mental load, stress, and self-esteem all influence intimacy.
Before desire can thrive, three emotional foundations often need to be in place:
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Feeling emotionally safe and seen.
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Having confidence in your body and self-worth.
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Being mentally present – not stuck in anxiety.
Nicki introduced the idea of the erotic mind – the mental space where desire, imagination, and pleasure live. Accessing it isn’t about being logical, but you can choose it intentionally. By saying, “I deserve pleasure – if I want to have a great sex life, I can have one,” you activate your erotic potential.
The Power of Date Night and Intentional Connection
Life gets busy – kids, deadlines, laundry. That’s why Nicki is a huge advocate for weekly date nights. Not just dinner. Not just Netflix on the couch. A true, intentional moment of connection. For her, Thursdays are sacred. The kids know it. She and her husband know it. They plan for it. Anticipation itself becomes arousing.
Why it works:
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It prioritises the relationship and your partner.
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It creates space for both emotional connection and playful intimacy.
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It teaches children that love requires effort and care – an invaluable life lesson.
Confidence, Body Image & Ageing
Not everyone feels confident in their skin – especially as hormones shift in perimenopause and menopause. Nicki acknowledged this and shared her advice:
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Shift focus from how your body looks to how your body feels and functions.
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Remember that your partner loves you for the whole of who you are – not your “flaws”.
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Stop magnifying imperfections. Your partner likely doesn’t see them the way you do.
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Move your body, wear clothes that make you feel good, nourish yourself, and take supplements that help you feel your best.
Most importantly: sex is not a performance. It is about pleasure and connection.
Communication is the Bedrock of Intimacy
Ultimately, Nicki reminds us that communication sits at the heart of a fulfilled sex life and connected relationship. Talking openly about desire styles, emotional needs, anxieties, and fantasies builds trust and closeness.
Whether you're in your 20s experimenting, your 30s juggling life, or your 40s reclaiming yourself – your relationship with intimacy and pleasure is always evolving. And with communication, curiosity, and confidence, it can evolve beautifully.
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This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with your healthcare provider before starting any new supplement, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, have a medical condition, or are taking prescription or chronic medication.
